She Could Be Happy

She could be flower in every nightmare. Blossom in dark.

She speaks to me fondly of passions and talents, guitar and stars, ice cream and rainbow, dancing and beaches, past and miracle. Then stop short to apologies for speaking at all. She could be like that.

She could sit alone in every crowded place. Shadows behind the lights.

All because somewhere in her life, someone-blindfolded that she loved broke her heart again, ignore her letter and pure bliss on her wet eyes. And telling her to “shut up”, keep “it down”, “nobody cares”. She could be like that.

Someone once said; “People aren’t born sad. Happy? Yes, she could be.”

And suddenly she’s start one bravely steps, start singing to the stars with her rainbow ice cream, and dancing at the beach. She barely knows, that its time to start again and holds to miracle of beginnings.

She could be anywhere.

With anyone.

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“there is something”

The Messages from Random Passengers

“Penumpang kami yang terhormat, sesaat lagi kita akan lepas landas dari Bandar Udara International Soekarno-Hatta, waktu setempat saat ini menunjukan pukul sembilan malam waktu Indonesia bagian.. .”

Aku memejamkan mata, mengeraskan sedikit volume music  dari PSP yang memutar album Coldplay, dan kepalaku tetap memikirkan sesuatu yang membuatku gelisah, kenyatan bahwa keputusan besarku untuk meninggalkan zona nyamanku di Bali dan pergi ke Jakarta untuk memperbaiki sesuatu yang ternyata tidak bisa diperbaiki, dan pada akhirnya kembali lagi ke Bali.

Kenyataan bahwa aku akan memulainya lagi dari NOL, tangan kosong tanpa apa-apa.

Kenyataan bahwa kepulanganku ke Bali hanya untuk menemui seseorang.

Seseorang yang menjadi teman mainku, teman untuk berbagi berbagai momen dan sebagai bunga tidurku, dia aku sebut sebagai “Sang pengalih”. Dia datang ditengah-tengah menit-menit terakhir perceraian yang sedang aku jalani, menjadi penghangat di tengah-tengah pertengkaran dingin, dia menjadi pengalih rasa sakit dari luka perceraian yang membingungkan dan menjadi pengalih dari perhatianku pada masa lalu yang pelik. Dia: Kekasihku.

Kenyataan bahwa perceraian ini membuatku untuk tidak ingin kembali dalam suatu komitmen, karena takut untuk kembali ke satu titik ketika yang ada hanya kebencian luar biasa.

“Commitment is a funny thing for me, its almost like getting a tattoo, you think and you think and you think and you think before you get one. And once you get one, it sticks to you hard and deep.”

Kembali ke dalam kenyataan tentang “Sang pengalih”, seseorang yang aku ceritakan sangat sempurna pada awalnya, yang pada kenyataanya telah menimbun kebohongan besar selama ini, yang baru saja aku ketahui setelah berbulan-bulan menjalani hubungan, dan aku memilih untuk tetap bertahan sebentar dalam luka, tetapi dengan hati yang mungkin sudah tidak sesempurna seperti awal. Karena ketika kita terluka kita tidak mati, tapi lukanya membuat kita tidak bisa berjalan seperti dulu lagi.

Aku tidak ingin menyalahkannya, karena akulah orang yang membawa dia kedalam petualangan ini, dan dia tentu belum siap dengan hubungan ini. Sebenarnya aku sudah sangat bosan menulis tentang luka dan sakit hati karena suatu hubungan yang tidak berjalan dengan semestinya, tapi berat rasanya untuk menjadi munafik dan menulis sebaliknya.

Aku duduk di antara puluhan penumpang didalam pesawat ini, perjalanan ini terasa seperti perjalanan yang sudah biasa dalam setahun terakhir ini, Bali dan Jakarta. Karena tempat tinggal dan mata pencarianaku ada di Bali namun semua keluargaku ada di Jakarta, jadi minimal dua kali aku pulang ke Jakarta dalam setahun. Entah mengapa, selalu saja disaat para penumpang duduk dalam pesawat dan menunggu untuk lepas landas, aku menemukan beberapa wajah yang tegang, mereka telah meninggalkan sesuatu dan bersiap untuk bertemu sesuatu, wajah yang terlihat tenang, wajah yang lelah dan siap untuk melakukan perjalan satu jam lima puluh menit tersingkat dalam hidupnya, sebagian mungkin siap untuk berlibur sebagian lain mungkin siap untuk merantau.

Satu jam lima puluh menit yang aku lalui dengan memikirkan seluruh hidupku, apa yang akan aku lakukan setibanya disana, keputusan besar apa lagi yang akan aku ambil, dan begitu rumitnya sampai aku memutuskan untuk menulis pesan;

“Jujur saja, aku lelah berjuang terus. Tapi aku belum akan menyerah dulu. Mungkin aku harus berusaha lebih keras. Mungkin aku harus mencoba sekali lagi_entahlah. Aku tidak akan mengeluh.”

Pesan yang tidak pernah ditujukan untuk siapapun, yang hanya tersimpan dalam draft messages, pesan yang hanya ditulis dalam suatu perjalanan singkat, dan akan terlupakan dengan kesibukan setelah menjalani kehidupan lagi ditempat tujuan, sampai akhirnya tidak sengaja terbaca lagi seperti aku saat ini.

“Penumpang kami yang terhormat, sesaat lagi kita akan mendarat di Bandar Udara International Ngurah Rai Bali, waktu setempat saat ini menunjukan pukul sebelas malam waktu Indonesia bagian.. .”

~~~

That’s Why We Pray

No father wants to be separated from his kids. But, as separated families become more common, millions of dads now live apart from their children. Luckily, with faith in pray, a little common sense and compromise from me and my child’s mom, i can still have a great time with my daughter.

~~~

The greatest gift i ever had come from God, and i call her Samantha Askey. ~Daddy

~~~

Sometimes when i visit with some of my single father friends, i’m imagine of the challenge that they are facing raising children alone. But i still just don’t get it. How to raise a child by myself. I absolutely adore and love my daughter. She does have, mostly due to the influence of mine, become strong. But i afraid to think how she might have turned out if i was her lone parent. So, single dads, i hope you can feel my admiration for your taking on the challenge of raising a daughter alone. In trying to understand the keys to success in raising a daughter as a single dad, i turned to some of my friends who have done it well.

Whether you are divorced or separated parent, or whether you are a widowed dad, the challenges are very similar. So, given the advice from those who have walked in your shoes, here are some of my current stories.

When we found her problem, many men tend to take an “I Must Fix It” mentality in their lives and their relationships. We tend to listen long enough to identify the problem, solve and pray then we are off on the solution. My daughters usually don’t want us to fix their issues; She would rather we listen for understanding and let her learn to work our solutions. I always try to keeping the lines of communications open requires time, patience and a willingness to make it a priority, even though in distance.

At first, it is hard to continue my life after last minute divorce and i don’t want to remind my memories or thinking how those things happen in my life. Forget, forgive and moved on. But the purpose about what i’m trying to convey to all of you is the separated between me and my lovely daughter (Samantha).

Someone once said to me that my father leave my mom, my sister and me with no responsibility and no regrets. I have learned that i don’t want to be like him. I know i am failed to maintain my marriage, but this is certainly not my decisions and i had tried to fix it many time until i founded that this is not about how to fix it. This is about her life, i am admitted thaw “We parents” too selfish to ignore her; that she’s deserve to have a parents completely.

I have faith that one day we will be together as a family, maybe not now, not tomorrow or  maybe in the other ways or anything possible, we never know. Sometimes it feels impossible; “That’s why we pray”.

Messages;

“I know more people than you can count have probably told you, but you should not give up. I hope you never do. Son, my husband, your father leave us in a bad way almost twenty years ago. I know what it’s like to experience loss but, for the sake of your daughter and me, you have to learn that we cannot give up. Be strong, and know that at least one person out there is wishing the best for you at every possible moment. I love you.” – Mom

“Be strong, we all experience loss at some point of our lives. I’m sure your daughter is proud of you. Because she has such a strong Father and trust me, seeing you cry makes her cry too. She wants her daddy to be happy, so go out there and live your life. First, take a look in the mirror and smile.” – Best Friends

~moussa isaac askey-

New Year, New Step, New Hope.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Foolish people with all their other thoughts, have this one too: They are always getting ready to live, but never living.

Your success will start when you begin to pursue it. To reach your goal or to attain success, you don’t need to know all of the answers in advance. You just need to have a clear idea of what your goal is.

Don’t procrastinate when faced with difficult problems. Break your problems into parts, and handle one part at a time.

Develop tendencies toward taking action. You can make something happen right now. Divide your big plan into small steps and take that first step right away.

Everyone who ever got where they are had to begin where they were. Your big opportunity is where you are right now.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take it.

~~~

One Step Closer to Love

Finally i am writing my twenty posts! I know its sounds easy but for me, it’s a greatest achievement so far, so i’d like to write the last post of this year’s about someone special in my life. It’s a 2nd part of “Still in memory”.

When you see the title of this post, some of you may think that the topic of love is over used. Yes it is, but due to we are facing Christmas i think i might write something a little deeper than before, little closer to God. But still keep the main story of “Still in memory” because i do like it. I hope you like it too. Here it goes.

~~~

Meet you once again
Anytime, anywhere
I won’t forget
Cause you are all that I’ve waiting for
It’s your light
It’s your way
Pull me out of the dark
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
One step closer to love.

 ~~~

I almost got her. I shouldn’t ruin it.

My love story was written—or so it seemed.

When the final chapter of “us” came far more quickly than i had imagined, it’s been more than 10 years . Now i went to a place of waiting and have remained ever since.

One might immediately think that i have been waiting for “the one” this whole time. Sadly, that is not the case. After “we” never happened, at that time i couldn’t fathom becoming an “us” with anyone else but try to learn from every relationship that i have made until now. The experiences repulsed me.

My waiting is on the transformation of my heart.

Transformation of the heart was scary because i had given my heart away and made a deep emotional commitment. I knew i had some work to do. I realized what “felt” like love was actually an unhealthy type of love. I couldn’t put into words the different styles of love i had experienced until i read The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. Before reading that, all i knew of the love from before was that it wasn’t right.

But even though i can look back and see the transformation God has done, feelings are strong and fear can creep in and say; “Isaac, you will never know real, healthy love because of all the attachments you made to unhealthy love.” This is when i have to stop and cling to truth. And remember i believe in a God who transforms and redeems.

But i want to know answers today!

Should i forget?

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because i have a life to live, and i need to live it in the best possible. if he has to make a choice, may he make it now. then i will either wait for her or forget her. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” By Paulo Coelho

When i choose to have patience, trusting in a bigger purpose, i find my view of waiting changes. It seems to me that an awareness of purpose constitutes some level of belief. And, as my belief grows, i realize waiting has more to do with my heart toward God than my heart toward a human “the one”.

He is at work on our stories of love

Pain of a broken heart caused me to question my relationship with this “Good God”—His timing, His love, and His purpose for me.

Because i know this type of waiting that i have described will be part of married life. If God give me one last change to meet her again, i will be brave and i will never let anything take her away from me.

While the seasons of my life will change, the character of God will not. And, as i said before, i believe in a God who wants to transform and redeem. In sorrow, in joy, in wonder, and in wait, He is at work on our stories of love.

Waiting with a purpose,

Isaac,

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” –Romans 5

“The Lord redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.” –Psalm 34

“Behold, I make all things new” -Revelation 21:5

“Do you believe that I am able to do this?” –Jesus

P.S. Merry Christmas to all of you. And if “the one” read this post; hopefully you have enjoyed your Christmas too. “Christmas gift could be anything and is not important anymore. Give a little chance to see how and why i want to impressed you before, until i ruin it.”

Someone Beside Me

“I love the sun for days, the moon for nights and you forever.”

Tak terhitung sudah beberapa kali ini terjadi.

Jatuh dan membuatku merasa kecil lagi di dunia ini. Kecewa dan membuatku berhenti bermimpi. Dikhianati dan membuatku pesimis terhadap hidup dan cinta. seperti burung kecil yang baru terbang, dunia menyuruhku untuk belajar semua hal dalam waktu singkat. Aku dipaksa untuk menentukan segala-galanya sendiri_benar-benar sendiri.

Tiba-tiba saja, hidup dewasa tidak seindah dan menyenangkan seperti di pikiranku selama ini.

Tapi kau selalu siap berdiri di belakangku, mengawasiku.

Kau tetap menyemangati dan berkata semuanya akan baik-baik saja.  Tak pernah berhenti meyakinkanku untuk bisa mencapai apapun yang kuinginkan di saat yang lainnya jelas-jelas meragukanku.

Kau membuatku merasa berharga.

~Moussa Isaac Askey

~~~

November is All I Know

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“I am glad at least in my loneliness i found someone to care with, who respect that we might not be here forever”

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

“These post just about to express my self, i’m not sure the post is about my own life story, but i’m trying to make another story that believe me, it happen in many side of my current experiences.”

1^st September i was out of the office; when i got home, there was blackberry message waiting for me from (Let say) Sara.

Text:  Dinner tomorrow?

We had started walking for half an hour for lunch, as an office, as part of a hospitality team (Which are always cropping up when you work for the guest last minute needed assistance). Sara and i were the only two who kept it up after the challenge was over. We liked the air, we liked the sun and we like each others adventure story.

We hadn’t always gotten along. When i started, i made a few too many jokes, and she gave a few too many disapproving looks and innocent faces that really entertains me. Our timing was always just a little bit off. At one point, i resolved to just keep my mouth shut around her (hiding my feeling).

We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.

Fortunately, that didn’t last. The silence never really do with me. I talked. She talked. I opened up a little. She thawed out a little. We ended up bonding over work things, of all things. She was  a trainee, and even though i’m not that kind of senior mentor, i’m quite know about hospitality from the lesson that i take in college to talk about front office department, depth of field, and composition. We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.

So, an bbm from Sara at the end of a long day was welcome, and it was nice to feel like i had been missed.

I wrote back, “I was on busy all day. Tomorrow, why not? Definitely.”

I always have time for her without watching my busy schedule. The next day, she called in sick, and when i saw her on bed, it became caring so much about her. The day dragged on, and i drank more coffee to compensate. I didn’t even realize i was in a bad mood until someone else commented on it. Then i thought, “This can’t be just because i was looking forward to walking with Sara, can it?”

Then i thought, “Damn, i think it is.”

Then i thought, “Well, what’s so special about today?”

Then i realized it was every day. I realized that in the past two months i had walk with her more and more and a last week slept at her place (Believe me, it was only sleep over, we’re professional as a friend but too stupid to not screw it!). I realized how much time i spent thinking about her when she wasn’t around. I thought about how i wanted to know what she thought about every little thing. I thought about how i compared every girl i date to her. I thought, “Oh shit. I’ve got a big fucking problem”. I’m in love with i thought she’s the wrong person for serious relationship right now. We’re both knows the different between us but i guess deep in side us we not that different at all.

I had a big fucking problem for a number of reasons. First and foremost, i know Sara’s is in long distance relationship with her boyfriend, let say Santi. He was a very intense guy, but basically decent. I don’t believe in LDR, and i am generally skeptical about LDR, but i am a promise keeper. I fancy myself an old-school, my-word-is-my-bond kind of guy, and it’s the first thing i respect in other people. Second is, my last minute divorce and all things still need to solve and i should not be ready for another relationships at the moment.

“Plus, i feel like if i love someone, i shouldn’t try to fuck up their life (She’s still in relationship!).”

After that, all of the other objections (We work together! I don’t want to mess up our friendship or our career! I don’t know if she even thinks about me that way!). I resolved not to tell anyone about this, ever. It’ll ruin everything.

It’s hard not to see loneliness as a failing.

This, by the way, is not an easy thing to admit for someone who is a loner both by history and by temperament. I like long trips by myself. I like coming home to my own place and locking the door behind me. I like being able to do what i want, and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. So it’s hard to admit to loneliness without somehow feeling like the last decade spent largely in solitude has been a huge mistake.

Which brings me to the other difficult thing about loneliness. It’s hard not to see it as a failing. After all, any reasonable, kind, moderately well-adjusted person should be able to make friends, should be able to meet a mate. It’s not like anyone else has anything better to do. In some ways, admitting to loneliness is admitting that you fail at being a social animal. It’s also hard to discuss it with friends without this feeling.

Anyway fell in love with best work friend that i barely know is like a “Wake up call”, that actually i do really need someone.

I decided to start it in first November, its not because its beautiful number (1-11-11), it happen when i cant controlled my self to not asking her to join with my adventure as i woke up in her bed and she’s holding my arms softly (I screwed up and i don’t care! i love her).

I wouldn’t tell anyone, let them start telling me wild things and get confused by guessing. And dear Sara, i don’t want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who i can act silly with.

Act silly with you.

“Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, and somewhere in the middle we became the best of friends.” 

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