November is All I Know


“I am glad at least in my loneliness i found someone to care with, who respect that we might not be here forever”

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

“These post just about to express my self, i’m not sure the post is about my own life story, but i’m trying to make another story that believe me, it happen in many side of my current experiences.”

1st September i was out of the office; when i got home, there was blackberry message waiting for me from (Let say) Sara.

Text:  Dinner tomorrow?

We had started walking for half an hour for lunch, as an office, as part of a hospitality team (Which are always cropping up when you work for the guest last minute needed assistance). Sara and i were the only two who kept it up after the challenge was over. We liked the air, we liked the sun and we like each others adventure story.

We hadn’t always gotten along. When i started, i made a few too many jokes, and she gave a few too many disapproving looks and innocent faces that really entertains me. Our timing was always just a little bit off. At one point, i resolved to just keep my mouth shut around her (hiding my feeling).

We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.

Fortunately, that didn’t last. The silence never really do with me. I talked. She talked. I opened up a little. She thawed out a little. We ended up bonding over work things, of all things. She was  a trainee, and even though i’m not that kind of senior mentor, i’m quite know about hospitality from the lesson that i take in college to talk about front office department, depth of field, and composition. We became friends. Work friends. Close work friends.

So, an bbm from Sara at the end of a long day was welcome, and it was nice to feel like i had been missed.

I wrote back, “I was on busy all day. Tomorrow, why not? Definitely.”

I always have time for her without watching my busy schedule. The next day, she called in sick, and when i saw her on bed, it became caring so much about her. The day dragged on, and i drank more coffee to compensate. I didn’t even realize i was in a bad mood until someone else commented on it. Then i thought, “This can’t be just because i was looking forward to walking with Sara, can it?”

Then i thought, “Damn, i think it is.”

Then i thought, “Well, what’s so special about today?”

Then i realized it was every day. I realized that in the past two months i had walk with her more and more and a last week slept at her place (Believe me, it was only sleep over, we’re professional as a friend but too stupid to not screw it!). I realized how much time i spent thinking about her when she wasn’t around. I thought about how i wanted to know what she thought about every little thing. I thought about how i compared every girl i date to her. I thought, “Oh shit. I’ve got a big fucking problem”. I’m in love with i thought she’s the wrong person for serious relationship right now. We’re both knows the different between us but i guess deep in side us we not that different at all.

I had a big fucking problem for a number of reasons. First and foremost, i know Sara’s is in long distance relationship with her boyfriend, let say Santi. He was a very intense guy, but basically decent. I don’t believe in LDR, and i am generally skeptical about LDR, but i am a promise keeper. I fancy myself an old-school, my-word-is-my-bond kind of guy, and it’s the first thing i respect in other people. Second is, my last minute divorce and all things still need to solve and i should not be ready for another relationships at the moment.

“Plus, i feel like if i love someone, i shouldn’t try to fuck up their life (She’s still in relationship!).”

After that, all of the other objections (We work together! I don’t want to mess up our friendship or our career! I don’t know if she even thinks about me that way!). I resolved not to tell anyone about this, ever. It’ll ruin everything.

It’s hard not to see loneliness as a failing.

This, by the way, is not an easy thing to admit for someone who is a loner both by history and by temperament. I like long trips by myself. I like coming home to my own place and locking the door behind me. I like being able to do what i want, and not worrying about what anyone else thinks. So it’s hard to admit to loneliness without somehow feeling like the last decade spent largely in solitude has been a huge mistake.

Which brings me to the other difficult thing about loneliness. It’s hard not to see it as a failing. After all, any reasonable, kind, moderately well-adjusted person should be able to make friends, should be able to meet a mate. It’s not like anyone else has anything better to do. In some ways, admitting to loneliness is admitting that you fail at being a social animal. It’s also hard to discuss it with friends without this feeling.

Anyway fell in love with best work friend that i barely know is like a “Wake up call”, that actually i do really need someone.

I decided to start it in first November, its not because its beautiful number (1-11-11), it happen when i cant controlled my self to not asking her to join with my adventure as i woke up in her bed and she’s holding my arms softly (I screwed up and i don’t care! i love her).

I wouldn’t tell anyone, let them start telling me wild things and get confused by guessing. And dear Sara, i don’t want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who i can act silly with.

Act silly with you.

“Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, and somewhere in the middle we became the best of friends.”